You're never too old for a good old fashioned Disney Sing-a-Long! As I continue my bedroom renovation project, I have been cycling through some delightful Disney movie soundtracks on Spotify, including some classics, like the original Aladdin and Beauty and Beast, which I distinctly remember listening to on a cassette tape when I was a kid. I unfortunately have to say "original" because of all these new "live-action" versions produced to capitalize on the nostalgia of the 90s. Granted, I haven't actually seen any of these new versions yet, so I can't really judge their merits, but I am sure they don't hold a candle to the classics. (hmm, that is an interesting idiom... it just came out of my typing fingers and I had to google it to make sure I was using it correctly...and I definitely am because it means "to be not as good as something or someone else" and it apparently comes from the 1600s when Sir Edward Dering said “I be not worthy to hold the candle to Aristotle." Oh how I do love idioms and wordplay. Alas, I digress...).
One of the most recent Disney movies that I have only actually seen once but whose music I adore and listen to on repeat is "Moana", which is no surprise considering many of its songs were written by (and some even performed by) Lin-Manuel Miranda, the genius behind my absolute favorite musical, Hamilton. Lin-Manuel Miranda is amazingly talented--- the lyrics he writes have incredible power and the music he composes is beautifully melodic. He's also super clever with words and a great rapper. He, himself, is a delight.
If you haven't seen Moana, I highly recommend it (in fact I think I will rewatch it soon!). The film tells the story of the strong-willed daughter of a chief of a Polynesian village. When a blight strikes her island, Moana sets sail in search of Maui, a legendary demigod, in the hope of saving her people. Along the way, Moana also discovers the one thing she always sought: her own identity.
Particularly at this moment in my life, I identify with the loss of her identity and many of Moana's lyrics speak very personally to me. She questions her path and her calling, and even asks herself, "What is wrong with me?" I am in the midst of what you might call an identity crisis, and am embarking on my very own journey to (re)discover who I am, and I often find myself asking, "what is wrong with me?". Currently, I find myself struggling to even hear a call at all anymore. And if I am being honest, one of the reasons I think I don't hear it is because I am afraid of what it will be. I'm afraid it will be a lot work, that it will be hard and challenging and difficult. As much as I know there is something deep down within me that feels called to do something (whatever it may end up being) to make a difference in the world, I honestly also just like being at home, with by husband and my cats, watching TV, listening to music, reading books, and doing household chores. Living an easy life. Which I then feel immediately guilty and selfish about, which further paralyzes any actions I may take for good (a vicious cycle). I have always felt torn between these two seemingly opposing ways of living- a simple life at home or a meaningful life in world. I have experienced this duality my entire life, as has Moana. When asked who she is, she responds, "I am the girl who loves my island" and "I'm the girl who loves the sea - It calls me." I am the girl who loves being at home AND I'm the girl who wants to make a difference in the world. I guess the question is... why can't I do both?
The advice given by Moana's elders ("You must find happiness right where you are") reminds me of an old saying I used to use as a meditation: Bloom Where You Are Planted, which I got from the title of a sermon of one of my mentors/ministers when I was a teen (I even used it as the answer to my Northwestern University application essay question, "What truth would you put in a fortune cookie?"). I know there is truth to finding happiness where you are, blooming where you are planted, living in the moment, but sometimes I refuse to believe it. In fact, sometimes I actively avoid it, sometimes because of paralyzing depression, sometimes because of outright laziness, sometimes because I just don't want to do anything. But as the elders sing to Moana that, "Every path leads you back to where you are", I am reminded of the story of Jonah in the Hebrew Bible. He actively avoided his call to go to Ninevah and help the people there by booking passage on a ship that would carry him in the opposite direction, thinking he could escape his calling. After a storm at sea and being swallowed by a whale, he finds himself in Ninevah, the exact place he was actively avoiding. The lesson from this metaphorical story is similar to the elder's lesson in Moana, no matter what you do to avoid your calling, all the paths you take will ultimately bring you to the same place. There is no avoiding your call. You just delay the inevitable. But if you accept it in the first place, you save yourself a lot of strife and difficulty.
I used to have a very strong calling and was very hurt by losing it having fought for it for long. Moana's grandmother told her, "Sometimes the world seems against you, The journey may leave a scar, But scars can heal and reveal just, Where you are, nothing on Earth can silence, The quiet voice still inside you."
I need to admit that I am in the healing process now, and it is comforting to hear these words. I don't hear that quiet whisper right now, but that doesn't mean it has been silenced for good. I hope I will hear it once again when the scar tissue has healed.
Moana's grandmother says, "That voice inside is, Who you are." Moana was once convinced that she would find her calling out there in the world somewhere, far far away from home. But at the end of the day, she ends up back at home as chief, and she learns that, "The call isn't out there at all, It's inside me, It's like the tide, always falling and rising." (However, she also becomes a wayfinder, leading her people as they resume voyaging the sea, so she gets to be at home and at sea.)
Maybe I can live a comforting life at home while also doing something for the world. The whisper inside of me is unclear, but I know it is urging me to do something with all that I have been given to give back to the world. Moana's elders tell her, "When we look to the future, There you are." Maybe there I am too.
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